Sexuality education is vital to us Unitarian Universalists because it is about how we relate to one another...how we value being human...how we believe in the "inherent worth and dignity of every person". Perhaps this can best be illustrated by some of the history of our struggle over the years - struggle to develop the materials, struggle to have them accepted and respected by our churches, never mind the outside word, and, finally, the continued struggle (did you see the curriculum criticized on Bryant Gumble's CBS TV program, "Public Eye", which aired as recently as October 8, 1997?) to hold our sexuality education as one of the most important gifts we give to each other, to all ages in our congregations.
It all started for me in 1969, exactly thirty years ago, at General Assembly in Boston, when then Curriculum Editor at the Unitarian Universalist Department of Education, Hugo Holleroth, (Holly), invited me, as Director of Religious Education at the First Parish in Framingham, MA to participate in the field testing of the first round of the "About Your Sexuality" (AYS) materials. He was having trouble finding field test sites, and I had been a DRE for only three years and really didn't know enough to worry about introducing this to a congregation. So, I said I'd see what I could do. The trusting parents in the Framingham church, after some convincing and a lot of agreement that we needed materials dealing with human sexuality for our Junior Highers, helped set up two classes, one for 7th and 8th, one for 9th and 10th. And, because we had Wednesday evening classes for our young people, I was free to be part of the teaching team for the older group - a privilege for which I am forever grateful!
The initial training of field test teachers was an intense, three day orientation, led by a development team of those who had not only worked professionally with young people in the area of human sexuality, but also had been meeting together for over a year and a half to write the materials. The major writer of the "About Your Sexuality" materials was Dr. deryck calderwood, an Associate Professor in Health Education at New York University. deryck's insistence that we not "carry the flag for sex education", but listen carefully to the concerns and needs of the parents and young people, was the guiding tone then and is now, with the new "Our Whole Lives". Materials based upon the actual questions of children and youth, based upon the value that knowledge leads to choosing responsible behavior, behavior that holds consenting acts of human sexuality as enriching life experiences, were deryck's messages. He wanted us to be most careful, to respect worried parents, to require parental orientation and teacher training and consistent attendance. In other words, to be different from whom we often were in our church schools. I went home from that September 1969, orientation and training scared to death.
We went back to our churches with boxes of slides, mostly from art, of people having sexual intercourse and tapes of people describing their first intercourse experiences. I had been given the extra assignment of saying slang terms in front of the mirror often enough so that I would no longer blush, as it was deemed important that the young people be able to use their slang words in front of their teachers. This excellent teaching technique, by the way, is still used in "Our Whole Lives", as the kids are assigned to rush around labeling the posted names of body parts - such as breasts -with all the slang terms they have heard for them - its a great ice breaker! And, something they don't do in regular school.
Anyway, back to the slides and tapes. The first thing that happened was that I dropped the box of slides on the floor of the church office, because holding them made me so nervous. This, of course, happened when I was trying to describe the weekend training to the skeptical parish minister. He picked up the slides, one by one, held them up to the light and groaned.
As some of you may know, we have progressed in these thirty years to audio visuals which consist of a series of black and white, hand-drawn, slides for grades seven through nine and a video for senior highers. At this point in time, I have not seen the video, but my teaching experience and subsequent teacher training experiences have told me that the audio visuals of real people behaving in the many forms in which it is possible for human beings to engage sexually, with themselves and with others, are vital to our program. Our young people appreciate, even though it can be embarrassing, the truth about what it means to be sexual. When they can see, as well as hear, what it is really all about, they are not nearly as much enticed to experiment themselves.
This leads to what we had to do, thirty years ago, and what we do today to illustrate to the parents what pressures the culture puts upon their children to be sexually active. In the past, we have bought magazines with their sexually explicit covers and we have put together parent orientation videos which are made up of different sections of television programs that show exploitative sexual relationships, as well as sexual violence and treatment of persons as objects.
At first, some of this was very embarrassing to do, but over the years I've become quite cavalier - to the extent that buying these "dirty" magazines, plus condoms to illustrate the safe ones from the unsafe, for parent meetings has found me quite casually laying out these magazines and condoms at the check-out counter. The checkout clerk always refuses to look up at me as she totals up my items. I can hear her after I leave: "Hey, did you see that horny old grandmother - the stuff she bought?"
I think the parent orientation materials for "Our Whole Lives" - let's say OWL from now on - are excellent, if the two I've used are examples. The premise, beginning with the earliest OWL, kindergarten through first grade, that parents are the children's primary sexuality educators, is very well integrated into the curriculum for these five and six year olds by having the stories that are read at church being sent home to be read during the week. I understand that there will be a "Parents' Guide" for parents of children enrolled in OWL K-1 and OWL for grades four, five and six which will help parents develop skills in talking about all aspects of sexuality. It is very important for our youngest to begin to understand their religious home as a place where we talk about all aspects of their lives, where we ask questions, talk to our peers, as well as to adults, about birth, life and death. A place where it is extremely important that we relate to one another in respectful ways, taking each other and our behavior with each other very seriously. It is extremely important for our children as they grow older, to be able to talk to peers of both sexes about their sexuality. Being able to say, as an adolescent, "I am not ready for that kind of sex, no matter how hard you push," is a wonderful tool to have.
Another aspect of relating to parents in the Owl curriculum has been most pleasing to our eighth graders. The young people sign a class covenant at the beginning of the church school year which states that nothing said within their classroom walls will leave the room. A young lad, whose father was insisting that he know which subject the class was addressing each week, told me that was his favorite part - the class secrets. I know this sounds just the opposite from the parents being the primary sexuality educators for the younger children, and it is, because a thirteen-year-old needs his or her privacy. I imagine that many families who have been talking about it right along will continue to have conversations about sexuality as their children reach their teens. But, it is made clear to the parents that the OWL teachers, excepting in cases of suspected abuse, are the keepers of the students' confidentiality. As most parents don't share their sex lives with their children, we hope that they will understand that their growing adolescents deserve some privacy. This extends to the teachers, also, as they are trained not to share their personal sexual experiences with their students.
Students are eager to have models whose behavior they can emulate and one of the goals of this program is to have young people come to learn that their sexuality is theirs to express, at the time when they are honestly ready to take responsibility for it. A stated value for OWL is more prescriptive than we were when we were teaching AYS. It says "sexual intercourse is only one of the many valid ways of expressing sexual feelings with a partner. It is healthier for young adolescents to postpone sexual intercourse." This is a fine idea as long as you are not unknowingly judging a young adolescent who has already had intercourse. That person would need to be helped to realize that they don't have to wear the mark of "unhealthy" forever and that their behavior in the future need not be governed by acts of their past. In other words, each sexual relationship - even if you feel you might have made a mistake with one - exists in its own right. Recognizing that adolescents need our recommendations, we have helped some to develop a readiness "checklist" for themselves.
Once, a tenth grade girl, who had had AYS some years earlier, came to me saying she had purchased a diaphragm. Her boyfriend had a condom and her parents were going to be away for the night/ He had told her he loved her and...what did I think? Of course, I said, I couldn't give her my permission, but I could add to the checklist. We talked about how young she was, about how she'd feel if he talked about her or "dumped" her, what her trusting parents would feel like if they found out. When we stopped talking, she didn't tell me what she was going to do, but two weeks later, she came in to say that she couldn't stand the idea of her parents finding out and being hurt, so she had decided to wait.
Sexuality education is important in the church because it gives everyone the understanding that their religion is a faith of a "free and responsible search for truth and meaning," as well as a faith of "justice, equity and compassion in human relations." An absolutely precious gift to all ages from this life span sexuality education series is one of its foundations, which is that "being romantically and sexually attracted to both genders (bisexual), the same gender (homosexual) or the other gender (heterosexual) are all natural in the range of human sexual experience." This sometimes remains a growing edge for our adult members and friends of the Unitarian Universalist Association, but our children and youth are ahead of the game. When a five-year-old was able to show off his two mommies to his class, when they'd been saying: "you can't have two mommies," he was so proud and the others were so accepting. "Oh, so I guess you can have two mommies." When our adults, with a little difficulty, voted to become a "Welcoming Congregation", and our Youth Group members (who had taken AYS and more recently, OWL) wanted to speak in favor of it. When our gay or lesbian couples can meet with our eighth grade OWL class to discuss what this religion has meant to them and what our kids should be doing for their peers who have "come out" and need support.
This is the type of justice work which can only come about with our type of human sexuality education...that's why I think it is some of the most important faith education we do. Another gift from OWL is that we will have, finally, the tools to prepare our high school seniors for their sexual lives in college and/or in the work force, we will have materials we have needed for a very long time. The college tales we hear (and we're only hearing them because these young adults had our sex education class in junior high and know they can talk about it in church)...tales about unsafe sex on campus, the lack of self understanding concerning ones own human sexuality, the pressure of promiscuity everywhere. Our young people deserve to leave their twelve-year church school experience with us having the OWL definition of healthy sexual relationships thoroughly in mind. That definition is that healthy sexual relationships are: consensual (both people consent); they are non-exploitative (equal in terms of power, neither person is pressuring or forcing the other into activities or behaviors); they are mutually pleasurable (both receive pleasure); healthy sexual relationships are safe (no [or low] risk of unintended pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and emotional pain); they are developmentally appropriate (appropriate to the age and maturity of the persons involved); they are based on mutual expectations and caring and finally, healthy sexual relations are respectful (including the values of honesty and keeping commitments made to others).
Finally, when our adults can enrich their own sex lives by gaining new knowledge and understanding through participation in the new OWL for adults, we will be providing them experiences for themselves as well as great parent and grandparent education! Using these materials with adults has been a very moving part of my ministry - there is an evolving of new freedom in relationships which is wonderful to witness. So there we have it. Well worth the expense, the careful teacher training, the careful and required parent orientation, the insistence on regular attendance - our eighth graders cannot miss more than three Sundays during the year - and they do it! It is not as adrenaline-producing to teach it these days, those videos just can't match putting an oriental art love making slide in the projector upside down so that after the first blush, the kids are looking at all the arms and legs waving in the air and saying: "how can they do that?"
There still are delicious moments, however - like the time, here, when the eighth graders made anatomically correct ginger bread men and women ornaments for our Christmas Trees in the Sanctuary. I'd like to close with a quote from the Bible which could be the central point of study for sexuality education programs for all ages: "love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude...It bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. (1Cor.13:4-7)
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