Divorce has become endemic in our society. In the last twenty years, we have seen the divorce rate skyrocket to over 50% as couples have rushed to divorce, as divorce has become an acceptable solution to almost any marital dissatisfaction that develops.
Most people who enter the divorce process are little prepared for the emotional consequences of their decision; not the couple themselves, nor their children, nor their parents, siblings, extended family members, friends. All generational levels are affected by the announcement of a pending divorce. It causes an emotional crisis that affects both the entire family as a whole and all the individual members within that family.
Divorces can be so devastating that family functioning screeches to a halt or is significantly impaired. Such disruptions forever alter the shape of the family. While ultimately the family will go on, statistics indicate that it will take as much as three years for a new family system to begin to take shape and re-establish a normal developmental process.
Just as life itself is a process, not a goal, so, too, is the divorce that causes such disruption. What I want to do today is focus on the divorce as process, with its vast emotional effects and trauma. We all bring our long-held expectations and conditioning to the divorce table. This is particularly true about what we have been told constitutes a "good divorce."
Societal expectations are that we will be our former spouse's friend, and not just any kind of friend, but often best friends. Our culture constantly sends us messages that we can't have a good divorce, the "Oprah Winfrey divorce," unless we remain friends with our former partners. The counterpoint would argue that the only good former spouse is a currently dead one, or one that is at least willing to go on the Jerry Springer show to "duke it out" with the ex-partner.
But Oprah and Jerry and their audience do not get a vote to determine the kind of divorce we will get or deserve. We all struggle to find our own way on the map of divorce. I needed to find a safe haven, a place between being locked in an uncomfortable and awkward friendly embrace of a former spouse and the python-like death grip of an angry former partner. I preferred less polarized ground, a place where I could get my need met, protecting my new-found and oh, so fragile independence. Not an easy task, to be sure.
Most divorces are not likely to be the friendly divorce that we hear so much about. Anything less than friendship, and we are viewed as failures in divorce just like the failure we had in marriage.
I have discovered another way, a "divorce with freedom," that leaves room for the former partners to be less than friends, but more than enemies. It honors the concept of "Shalom," peace, that J. Randall Nichols of Princeton University offers as a suitable model of a healthy divorce. I found his argument for abandoning the idea of friendly divorces intriguing, especially since I had prided myself on having that very "Oprah-friendly" divorce. I worked very hard at being Jane's friend, and while I don't presume to speak for her, she also did.
For those of you who might have tried to have a friendly divorce, you learned very quickly that it requires an enormous effort to maintain. In practice, it can slow down or even prevent you from moving on with your life, which is difficult enough, without the added burden of trying to be friends. Divorce often engenders such severe emotional distress and pain that our only goal is to survive. Under such conditions, caring for a former partner is not on our list of things to do.
Yet for some of us, our divorce was most devastating because we did lose a best friend. You know the kind of partner I mean, the one with whom you laughed so hard that your sides hurt. She was also the one who turned to me, even after the divorce, for comfort when her mother died. I still experience my divorce with great sadness, even as I recognize its necessity for each of us to grow and evolve, and ultimately move on.
For all of the sadness the divorce process causes, it can still have love and compassion and elements of Shalom. I was fortunate mine did. I did not experience the more hateful separation; the kind of divorce Virginia Wolfe understood all too well. Divorce with malice is all too common. That's the kind of divorce that makes a sober person take up demon rum. I saw too many of my friends follow Virginia. I vowed never to follow Virginia down that sad and dark blind alley of hatred and despair. I would take care of myself and those I loved, and not become mired in hatred and anger.
There are so many people for us to take care of when we decide to divorce, but we must not forget about taking care of our own emotional and physical health, even as we minister to others.
Our parents, siblings and friends all seem to need us, but none more than our children do. Their fears are real and they require our constant reassurance and attention. Children, including my own, fear being forced to choose between their parents, even as they worry about how their lives will be disrupted and changed. They worry about maintaining their friendships and other significant relationships, and, sadly, they often blame themselves for the divorce. All children of divorce need to be told over and over again at different stages in their lives that they are not responsible for the breakup of their parents' marriage.
Reflecting our children's insecurities, we will have many questions about our future needs. Can I make it on my own after so many years of being married? Can I stand eating my own cooking? The questions are seemingly without end, but as we proceed through the divorce, we will be forced to find answers that work for us. The friendly divorce that our culture seems so bent on having us achieve is largely a myth; it can prevent us from finding answers that will allow us to reconstruct our lives.
How can we expect to be a friend with the person we are divorcing? That would seem to go against our experience and inclination to avoid what causes us pain, in the same manner that a child who burns herself on a hot stove learns to avoid the pain. So must we. Yet our friends and family are inclined to support us only if we strive for the ideal of befriending the one who caused us the pain.
We are often told it is better for the kids for us to stay married or, if divorce is inevitable, to remain friends. I take issue with the notion that living out that charade is a good model for our children to experience. The problem we encounter when we first "practice to deceive" is that we send the wrong message, which may ultimately delay the family's recovery to wholeness.
The process of divorce can be a healthy model of self-care. It uncovers suppressed anger and dissatisfaction and can clarify why we were getting a divorce in the first place. Divorce also allows us to prioritize our issues and needs. An honest "divorce with freedom" can free us up from pretending that we are the other's champion. Besides, our children are very good at spotting the lies, so why bother? What children need to hear is the truth of the situation, in age appropriate language, and they need to hear it repeated over time. They need to hear the truth, even if it causes them pain. They will survive the truth better than the lies we tell to protect them.
Research tells us that a psychologically healthy divorce is more easily achieved if we limit contact with the separated partner, particularly in its earliest stages and especially if there is little chance of getting back together. Remaining friends can sow the seeds of chronic doubt, calling into question whether this divorce is even permissible, right, or good. The covert psychological message is that your divorce is inappropriate and that you are making a big mistake. All this leads to self-doubt and getting stuck. We can easily find ourselves in a rut of our own making, dealing with the same problems that couldn't be solved inside the marriage. This, in turn, prevents us from creating a new future.
To protect ourselves, we have to establish firm boundaries of behavior and contact. These boundaries must be wide-ranging and consciously maintained against the friendly divorce that can muddy the waters and blur our carefully crafted limits. Divorce, after all, is about redefining boundaries, giving up old ones that no longer work, while we simultaneously create new ones that allow us to take care of ourselves and our children. Anything that interferes or distracts us from establishing those new modes of being is counter-productive to achieving a healthy recovery from the trauma of divorce.
We need to remember also, that the divorce itself is not the same as getting a divorce. Our decree is the end result of the process of divorce. It may be that civility, polite behavior, rather than friendship serves us better as we move through the process. That seems to be a more realistic and achievable goal. It makes it possible for reconciliation, although not necessarily forgiveness, to happen.
Reconciliation in the biblical sense is putting an end to the hostilities and mutual destruction. It allows a couple to end warfare, and re-establish boundaries with peaceful borders. Divorce can become the road to reconciliation after the upheavals of marriage.
"Reconciliation," from the Greek, implies exchange, in this case from destructiveness to non-destructiveness. It allows for what Ephesians 2:16 calls putting to death hostilities, thus allowing for non-destructive contact to take place.
Reconciliation and divorce are parallel processes, both intended to allow destructive love to fade and contact to diminish. To divorce with love is to establish clear boundaries. It is not unlike the practice of "tough love" you may have used with a child in trouble. You set and enforce limits on inappropriate behavior.
At times, it feels that the divorce process will never end. I assure you it does. For those now on the merry-go-round, have faith in the future. Divorce is only one stage of the continuum of relationships we move through. It is one of the most radical changes you will ever experience, but it is not necessarily a complete end in itself.
While the marriage may have failed, the relationship may not have. Through reconciliation, we can more truly define ourselves by the responsible, safe and even loving relationship we establish after the divorce than by the divorce itself.
We, of course, must acknowledge the grief in all of this, the loss of unfulfilled expectations and an end to certain dreams. Jane and I dreamed of our end years together, sharing our lives and completing our histories in marriage. I imagined her with long gray hair and squeaky shoes, becoming a regular Unitarian Universalist "crone." She may become that, but not as my wife. I have had to let go of that vision.
So reconciliation can be our cushion against the hard reality of the failure we may feel. But it needs to be said that if there were hostilities, then giving them up is the great victory and success of a divorce. Reconciliation is also not an end in itself, but an opening to new possibilities and relationships, and to being able finally to love again. Such reconciliation through the vehicle of divorce can restore our resources to invest in new ways to love. It can be the turning point that allows us to change roles from divorce gladiator to that of builder of new relationships.
Through all of this, we must grieve what was, and what might have been. Within that process, we have a right to our anger, sadness and grieving. Our goal, however, needs to be to move from flight to reinvestment, from self-protection to self-love with a renewed ability to give and receive love freely.
We must give ourselves permission to do that. It is a requisite part of our transition to new life, but being friends may not be. Trying to remain friends may just have been too impossible a task to expect to achieve. If so, it is reasonable to revise our goals, instead of striving against impossible odds.
But all this is only potential unless we are willing to give up our own destructiveness, never an easy task. The responsibility to which we are called is to mutuality, respect and Shalom between the parties. We are called to give up the goal of friendliness, in reality an illusion that has the potential to destroy our spirit and squander our new freedom and self respect. We are free to set the rules of engagement with our former partner. Take care of yourself in the process. Choose wisely.
Let It Be.
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