RSG: On this Bring a Friend Sunday, Helena and I would like to share our very different religious pilgrimages, a kind of spiritual "show and tell." Many of us are "come-outers" from another faith and "come-inners" as Unitarian Universalists. Helena fits that description and will share her story as one who chose this faith in adulthood.
For myself, I confess to being a once-born Unitarian Universalist. Actually, I was born a Universalist, married a born Universalist, became a Unitarian Universalist in 1961 when the two movements merged. I have known no other religious persuasion.
I was brought up on what has been called "The Gospel According to Martin and Judy," an old pre-school curriculum by Sophia Lyon Fahs, our great guru of religious education, which dealt with the everyday problems of growing up religiously. I cut my teeth on How Miracles Abound, another Sophia Fahs text, which grounds liberal religion in the natural world of earth, rather than in the supernatural world of heaven.
HPC: I have always loved church, but my parents didn't. So, when i was about four, my parents asked a neighbor to take me with them one Sunday morning - they did, that one and only time. My mother told me years later that I had been returned home within twenty minutes. Evidently, as the preacher shouted "hell, fire, brimstone", I rose and shouted back: "hell, fire, brimstone."
As I grew up in the holy spirit Episcopalian church, in Illinois, I loved the stained glass windows, the kneeling, being an angel each year in the Christmas pageant, the Easter sunrise services on the shores of Lake Michigan, wearing fancy hats, white gloves, my best dresses, singing in the youth choir and especially, the ritual of taking communion after I went through confirmation class.
RSG: I was very pious in my adolescent days, deciding on the ministry at 14 - leading the Lord's Prayer before football games, praying in the huddle. I had "Road to Damascus" experiences as I drove to preaching dates in Macedon. I was sure God has whispered in my pearly ear.
My hearing has not really improved over the years, and I am not quite so sure of my connection with Ultimate Reality. At times I almost regret the loss of that pure but naïve faith - but that is the price of using reason in religion, and understanding what was happening to me psychologically. I have had to be honest with myself and grow religiously - the hallmark of a Unitarian Universalist.
As far as I can remember, I've never had to unlearn anything - change, yes - unlearn, no. No one deliberately told me something they didn't believe to be true so I would not be confused or embarrassed. I am grateful for their honesty.
HPC: And my problem, surrounded by Episcopalian symbols of a present God, was that I felt I must be the only one to whom He -- and it certainly was a "He" -- wasn't talking. Those people around me, kneeling in the pews looked peaceful, seemed sure of communication. And my Sunday school classes didn't make me feel much better because the lessons weren't about our lives or our times. I knew that the lessons of Jesus were important, but when I asked about concerns for our daily living, such as what Jesus would think about watching too much television, the teachers would all tell me that wasn't the point, to listen and to stop asking so many silly questions. As all children do, I wanted to know about my life, about the life of my family and my world. This search didn't seem to matter, in fact, it irritated my teachers.
RSG: I had the proverbial Philosophy 101 at St. Lawrence University. It was a disillusioning experience for those who had simply accepted their religion without critically examining it. I was reared a Christian Universalist and so was not really shocked by a look at the historical Jesus as one prophet among others. Nor was I shocked when the Bible was studied historically and we learned the myth and legend of his birth and resurrection are not fact. Many of my classmates were. I attribute my relative calm to having been brought up to use my mind religiously.
HPC: I kept trying when i went to the university of Michigan. Ironically, my sorority house was next door to the Unitarian church, but I rode my bike all the way across that huge campus to keep on being a loyal Episcopalian. I was still trying to hear God within that church of my childhood, and I felt like such a failure that I was about to give up. By that time, (although I didn't know it) I needed very much to hear about something that seemed real: the historical Jesus , the scientific impossibility of the resurrection or the virgin birth.
RSG: Another personal experience confirmed my life-long commitment to liberal religion. I was asked to participate in a memorial service for an uncle in a highly liturgical church. Asked to read a New Testament selection which contradicted my own theology, I finally read a beautiful Psalm from the Hebrew scriptures.
The rest of the ritual, however, paid scant attention to my uncle's life. It was a "fill-in-the-blank" service which did not recognize his individuality - that he was a doctor; that he and his wife knew he had a heart condition but decided to live life to the full anyway; that he died on safari in Africa. But there was not one hint of this in the liturgy.
I believe in the great democracy of death; I also believe that memorial services which honor individual lives are some of the best things that we do as Unitarian Universalists.
HPC: There were two more experiences for me which led me to leave my church. One, my mother and father had been divorced for three years and wanted to remarry. As so many non-church people do, my mother wanted a church ceremony and recognition of this very important event. The Episcopalian priest would not honor her wishes because, he said, the church had never recognized the divorce. Mother was truly crushed.
Also, for my wedding, the ceremony and the Episcopalian priest felt so impersonal. It seems there simply are some of us (sitting in this Sanctuary, perhaps?) Who need more personal recognition than most organized religions offer. My daughter, raised as a Unitarian Universalist, informed me that an all Catholic wedding ceremony would not bother her one bit. At the last minute, she convinced the Catholic priest to let me say a few words. She asked me to speak of just "Leila and Michael", not "Leila and Michael and Jesus".
RSG: The editor of the Unitarian Universalist World magazine wrote not long ago that in our faith, "No cookie cutters are allowed;" that is, each of our personal credos will be different. He went on to recount a conversation he once had with a stranger in the next airplane seat, the engineering director for Steinway pianos. He said his colleagues at other firms worked to find the best way to mass-produce things, whereas he had the much subtler challenge of finding out the best way NOT to mass-produce pianos. If he slipped across the line into mass production, the pianos would lose what made them Steinways."
That sense of individual uniqueness in religious community has always been a concept with which I have been comfortable. However, I know how hard it is to make the transition from church creed to personal credo - from "we believe" to "I believe." I was reared in that tradition; it fits as comfortably as my clothing.
My challenge as a born Unitarian Universalist is to understand the pain of those who are leaving the faith in which they were reared and choosing another. There can be great pain in leaving the church that in many ways you love, but with which you simply cannot square where you are religiously. I know the transition is not just intellectual - that is the easiest part for most. The toughest task is to deal with the emotional and spiritual dimensions.
HPC: It was very hard for me to leave, but not painful, because I never felt connected. I desperately wanted to feel accepted, to feel God's presence when i knelt or took communion, but I didn't. I don't blame the Episcopal Church for this, I think it is because of who I am. Having my church honor my individual quest for answers and meanings deepens my faith. I value an institution which attempts to fit the needs of the individuals within it, rather than the individuals having to fit the definition the institution has for them.
RSG: One example of the anxiety of being a "come-outer" came after one of our orientation sessions several years ago. A devout Christian asked me, "What if my present church is right and my soul will go to Hell if I don't believe?" I could only tell him that I do not believe there is that kind of a Hell or that kind of a God. I could only say it was a risk I was willing to take. However, it was not a very big one in my opinion. Obviously, though it seemed a matter rather easily dismissed for me, he was deeply concerned that if he were wrong in joining us, there would literally be hell to pay. I learned that there is a long process of spiritual osmosis in becoming a Unitarian Universalist. We need to be very respectful of the arduous nature of the process.
In a way theology is like doing a crossword puzzle. If we have any sense, we do it with pencil because it would be foolish to do it in pen and - frankly - it would be arrogant. As we get more deeply into the puzzle, we often have to change answers that at first made so much sense - and seemed obvious. And many times we never do find the answer; we just have to live with the question.
I have felt comfortable in living with the question all my life. From the beginning I knew there were some questions that had no answers - at least no answers I was able to find. I know, however, that this kind of theological uncertainty is not everyone's cup of tea. But, personally, I would rather be uncertainly right than absolutely wrong.
HPC: Theological uncertainty is what I need - A church where some questions have no answers. When I became a parent, I searched for my children's religion the way I had not for myself. I wanted a church for them where everyone, all ages, was asking the big questions of beginnings and endings, of relationships with one another. I wanted a church for them that encouraged a sense of wonder - a being with, not over, nature. A religion which encouraged its young to be known, for who they were, for what they were thinking.
RSG: I received a very interesting message over E-mail in mid-August, the subject of which was: "I'm sorry you are so mistaken." The writer had evidently discovered our church web site and felt obliged to respond: "As I was reading your pages, I was saddened with the blindness of your profession. There is really no need to try to get you to understand for you have made up your mind that you are correct. I'm reminded of the passage in Proverbs, ... 'There is a way that seems right unto man but the end thereof is death.' If you would look to the scriptures and honestly and openly ask God to show you the truth, He would. With a closed mind, no one can ever get through. Hope and pray you find the Truth, someday. It isn't what I believe but what the Bible says. Don't swallow some man's theology but earnestly search the treasures of God's Word and see what it says about the Trinity, who Jesus was and what it means to be a Christian. I'll stop there. If you wish to dialog, ... in searching for the truth, I'll be willing to do so. Best wishes in your search." There is a delicious irony there. If he thinks I am dogmatic, when it seems clear to me that he already has made up his mind what is right, there probably isn't much room for dialogue.
It must be nice to be so sure of things, as the writer criticizes us for being. Mark Twain once spoke of a man "Who had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces." Well, I do not have four aces religiously; I try to play the hand I have, and it seems to have served me reasonably well.
Born into a religion that sees faith, not as a one-time revelation, but an ongoing pilgrimage; born into a religion that welcomes questions and answers equally; born into a community that celebrates diversity, I have been fortunate to have lived a lifetime as a Unitarian Universalist. I have learned to live comfortably with the realization that we are all Unitarian Universalists in training.
HPC: Thank goodness that you life-long Unitarians and Universalists have been in training and have been so willing to invite us converts to join in. My Children and I have felt welcome among you, always. Actually, you passed the welcoming test years ago. When my five year old Todd was asked to lie down on a sheet of wall paper-to have his body outlined, and he decided not to draw clothes on himself. That long ago Unitarian Universalist church school teacher didn't blink an eye at the naked Todd - all body parts proudly drawn in. She hung his body outline on the wall, right along with the other, clothed, ones. As a visiting mother, I was completely convinced that I had found our religious home.
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